poems

All the ink wasted, drawing hearts for him.
All the wishes wasted, wishing for him.
All the thoughts wasted, thinking of him.
All my time wasted, waiting for him.

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Depress Depression makes me stupid Depression makes me feel low Depression makes me mad Depression makes me sad Depression makes me forget world Depression makes me tensed Depression makes me lose self control Depression makes me hate everyone Depression makes me think over and over Depression makes me feel lonely Depression makes me think wild Depression makes me worthless Depression makes me sick What does Depression give me? When it runs high… It will make me Die - REST IN PEACE…

dad

i hate me dad. dont tell me not to hate him because i will. he is a terrible person who hates me just as much as ihate him. he doesnt call me and he thinks that i will never amout to anything in life. i dont even want to look at him. whenever i look at him it discusts me. im not talking to him at home and like ya. we got into a really big fight yesterday. like it was something like so stupid. like i over heated his food and like he went bezerk. i hope he dies. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. wow i havent been this mad in 4eva but w.e im gonna go now peace out.........

last night

so like last night was terrible. i have no clue y but like i started to bawl as soon as i read like an teen articale. the story was abotu likie how a girl commited suicied because of all of the bullying and shit that she went through. i read it and somehow i placed myself into her position and wondered what i would do if i was her. ugh everytime i cry ic larry inmy head. i want him out of there but like at the same time i dont u know. i cant like live with out him and teddy and me r reunited, but larry is scared of teddy. and like because of teddy, larry wont talk to me, he will only talk to yaffa of course. 

im preety pissed at yaffa i just dont know y. well i kinda do because i think that she likes Larry, i know that she likes yoni but everytime she looks at larry she has this kind of look on her face and it reads i luv u. i cant help but like everytime that she looks at him i want to kill her. i know that i luv her because like shes my friend but i dont think that i can. i luv yaffa in a friend way and i know i wouldn't do anything to harm her. but i thikn that if she talkes to larry one more i mite in front of me i think ill either kill her or me. it will most likely be her because know i wouldn't want to ruin her oh so perfect life. and honestly i would luv to c it crumble into peices..............................

im done with this crap

Ok so like I don’t know what’s going on but like gabby is just mad annoying. Ok if Ur reading this well the U DON’T CONTROL MY LIFE U DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! It’s my choice to like who I want to like. Don’t get pissed at me ok like I mean really stop. I want u to comment on this. I hate how u always gives me a disappointed ass look like really have some fun and stop being such a downer. You can’t tell me that im a slut cause like u say to me u don’t understand me. U curse and me and yell at me and hit me if that’s who u r then fine but im not gonna be dealing with it anymore if Ur not gonna change well than fine. I won’t have a problem hanging with u and stuff but no. u act like im a stranger on the street well u know what I don’t give a shit. U say that Ur my friend but Ur afraid to come over my house and like u don’t even hang out with me unless someone else is coming. I hate it. Im like Ur backup that’s how u make me feel. Im not trying to make u feel bad but like im not gonna do this anymore. If Ur gonna stop being so grumpy well than great but if Ur not then don’t talk to me. Im not trying to be mean im just saying like please STOP! U always make me so down u don’t like to be touched and like it’s annoying ok. U get me so mad. U don’t say bye to me psshh well u know what I don’t need ur bye. So I dare u, post a comment. Post the meanest one u can expressing ur feelings but remember unless that comment says fine ill change a little and be a little more open to u guys well then u know it’s not gonna change everything.

Chapter 2

    So I never thought that I could be loved by anybody in my entire life. I thought that everyone would keep thinking me as a misfit and an outcast. I also was afraid to love because I thought that if I told the person how I felt than I would be rejected. That all changed when I met Larry brodetski, (I think that’s how u spell his name I’m not sure.) but anyway, It began in the beginning of 7^th grade. I met Larry through Yaffa, they are very close friends. I never felt this way about anyone ever before. Then we went out but Larry has a very bad quality about him, he always takes his idiotic friends side. So a week or two after we have been going out his friends told him to dump me because they didn’t like me and he kept saying no but eventually he caved in. he broke up with me by text. I couldn’t believe it I hated him at that time but I the same time I knew that I couldn’t really hate him. I still love him I just can’t bring myself to tell him. I know that he doesn’t like me so I’m always upset about that. I try to focus my mind and my heart on somebody else but it keeps on coming back to him. Every time I see him it’s brutal because I know that we could never be that he would always care more about his friends than he ever will about me. I love him and I can’t stop. The reasons that I’m not well u know dead yet, is because every time that I try to end it he comes up in my head. I can’t be without him. I can’t stand not at least looking at him at least once a day. And every time I cry I picture him in my head as if it’s his fault. Well I don’t know what to do. For now I guess I have to pray and hope……………

the first few chapter of my life

     I was never liked as a child. In fact I still don’t feel loved by anybody not even my friends or even my family. People always rejected me and as soon as i got close to someone they always ran away from me. I don’t know what I do to make them run away from me. People think that I’m like crazy, but really people just don’t get that I’m a misunderstood person. People don’t get my life. They really don’t understand why I am the way I am. They are too fast to judge me before they get to know me. They automatically know who I am a how I act.

     Some people don’t understand what it’s like to be truly loved. People never really showed me that type of affection. Some they jerk actually don’t like me that much that they take it to a totally different level. For the past week or two, people have been sending me hate massages. Most of them are things like “bitch I hate you I hope u die in your sleep” and I have no idea why but I save those messages and every day when I’m alone I play them over and over again. I have such a miserable life that I want to just die. Every day when I come home from school I go on my bed and cry. I do it so often that it has become a daily routine. I feel like my life is slowly crumbling down and the thing is that I’m only in 7^th grade. I should not be dealing with this. I almost committed suicide because of all the hate that I have gotten.

     I have gotten so self-conscience about myself. I’m the ugliest one in my family. My parent’s barley knows that I’m alive. I sit at home alone thinking of what I can do to fix myself, to make people like me but sadly it never ever changes. In my entire 7^th grade year there has not been not one day where I have cried in some point of my day. Usually it is about things from school. Now each and one of my friends are slowly turning on me. I will soon have nobody else to rely on except myself. I want to just end it. Like done gone, bye. But somehow I can never ring myself to it no matter how much I wanted to. Something always got in that way. I either think about my family and/or who will miss me if I’m gone. One day ill does it I promise……………

bitches........

so back to the tears for me. i spent the entire day and night jsut crying about such stupid things. i mean like really people r just so inconsiderate and like so many people r just idiots. there is this racist inconsiderate bastard named teddy and i wish that he dies and burns in hell. so i was chilling was hannah today and like im like a block away from  halsey and that bitch decides to wave bye to me and yell out slut. and like gabby heard it i think and like she didnt do anything about it. but i dont blam her anyway i luv her. and besides i dont even think that she heard it. also there is this dickhead named yoni who is such a jerk off. he thinks that he can convince anybody to do anything that he wants. he was talking to larry <3 and dickhead teddy. and like he said that if they EVER talk to me yaffa or daniela again they wont be friends with them and im like wtf u cant choose spmebodys friends. i hate them they all agreed to it. but like larry secretly broke it by talking to yaffa. and idk what to because istill luv larry and idk what i would do if we never talked again. i almost commited suicid the first time that we broke up id think that i can handle it again. he didnt even hug me today and that reeks man . blahhhhhhhhh i hate this so much. i only told this to yaffa and then we were like both crying and i just hate all of this. nobody likes me and like my friends cant even name 3 people who are in my class and r my friends. god i want this all to end. if i had a choice between life and death i think that i would choose deaath...............

im not even gonna edit this entr. im goin to make it colorful and thats  about it so ya deal with it. and also i luv him but what do i do!!! GIVE ME ADVICE!!!!!!!

smiles

so like i was thinking like u know enough of all of the tears. i think that that its time for some smiles. so like for once in my life nothing bad really happend today. me and gabby are preety much reunited like i said it would be like. my mom isnt frekin screaming at me. my room is clean and like we practicly remodeled it. we have a new carpet, new bedding sheets, and like i can finally c my floor. i havent been yelled at in a while and like my dad finally remembers that i live in the house. my belly dancin teacher is even recomending me to frank sinatra high school. ii luv life. (for now) i cant really find anything to be sad about right now but like the suckish way that my life is im preety sure that something might turn up. so keep reading and then we will like c if im correct. bye guys luv ya <3

friends.........

omg do true friends even exist. right now im well u guessed it sitting on the computer and thinking about my so called friends. i fukin hate gabby so much every time she talkes to me its always somethings bad. like she fukin mad at me for nmo reason, or like im to happy, and like today we had a pajama party and i was asking kristy joelle and gabby so walk me home. so like joelle was all up for it and like kristy was ok with it as long as everybody else way going. so like joelle asked gabby "hey do u want to walk rebecca to the her house (which was a block away i might add.) and of course the idiotic and depressing ass gabby gave her a dirty ass look. like wtf who do u think u r u bitch. like u dont wanna fukin walk me say so u dont wanna be my friend say so like ughh this bit h gets me like so mad. i hate her so much right now id even care if she reads this. now idk if she ever really did like me but uknow what fuck it im not talking to her or anything. like im tired of her one day bieng all happy happy and shit and the next day she fukin hates me. bitch please. i.d fukin need u like really man u think i cant like without ur bi-polar ass well ur wrong i can. do call me on skype or nothin. u either be happy all the time its not a part time thing ok. and like in class or when we were at her house, she was just like so effin protevctive. like i was on top of kristy like i always am and she decides to scream at me and tell me to get off and then pull my arm. like who the fuck am i to her ok im not some fukin toy that u can play around with her. i am a human and im not always happy. i frekin hate it when ur over protective and like idc if thats the way u r because i know that ur really not. id even know what to do with her anymore. i cant trust anybody no matter who it is . like i always say friends are like leaves, found everywhere. but true friends are like shooting stars they are rare. and u know what gabby used to be but now to me shes just a leaf nothing more. i might forgive her but i might not and ill tell u this i probabylwill fogive her but i know this much, the bond between us will never be as strong as it was befor............

today........

i luv him no him no him. ugh y cant i just make my mind up. i have a bf named yoseph and im really starting to regret it and hes always oh ur cheating ion me i know it dont lie. and im like yo chill out but he doesnt listen and he raised his hand at me! like about to hit me. so im dumping his ass but then this other kid named brandon, asked me out. i didnt know what to say so im like maby. i want to say yes but there is a guy i really like. his name is eddie. all of my friends think that hes ugly but i think that he is so hot. i just cant take it anymore. i have to many crushes. but eddie would never go for a girl like me. im stupid and ugly. and apperently to my so called friends to happy or like slutty. im sick and tierd of bieng called a slut people say it and im just liike oh ok w.e. but inside im screaming. im gonna change. from now on im not tellin nobody who i like. imma change the way i dress. no more eye liner no more boys. inside ill be who i am. but now i know in this past 8 months of school that i cant be who i really am. people a;ways joke around going like oh ur a slut hahahahah. nicholes is always like oh ur a bitch ur this this and this and im like yo chill. but he keeps goin and goning but i laugh but inside im slowley dying......................

tears

guess what its st patricks day. the weather is frekin amazing. and im at home crying and i want to die. idk y like what the hell man people r just so stupid and i just want kill them. but i want to kill myself first most of all. im liostining to the song ur gaurdian angel because its the only song that makes me feel better when im crying. i just want to drop dead and die!!!!! just please help and the person that i like is bieng a bitch and is like oh no i want u to go home and stay there. so i just crossed the block and started to cry. i couldnt even hold it in. sometimes i just want to die slowley..........................

Love?!?!

what the hell is love. it doesnt mean anything. if love was real then people wouldn't get hurt at all. so like i like this guy a lot and my friend likes him just as much as i do. (i think) idk what to do because people say that i look good with him and like some of my so called friends are like oh ur such a bitch  how could u do that to gabby and im just like............ ugh u know. their is nothing that i could really do. so like in the beginning me and gabby got into this big ass fight and i dont know. then this took a turn for the worst. my friend was bothering me about how i was single and i just blurted out u know what i'm not single . i have a boyfriend and his name is Larry! i had nothing else to say but of course, my big mouthed friend did. so she was like oh ur such aa liar blah blah blah and i'm like no i'm not and to prove me and him r going to the movies together on friday and so ull belive me ull come with us. in my head it sounded good but now what i have to do is ask larry to be my fake date which sounded pathetic. idk how it happend but then my friend couldn't come and then it turned into a real date. so at the movies we were just having a normaal day when he kissed me. all thought about was gabby and how bad she would feel if she found out. their was nothing i could say or do so that i could go back in time to the point where i asked him out on that fake date. . i was happy but angry. like i wanst thinking about the kiss or larry or even how i looked like.i want to die soooo badley but i just idk something keeps holding me back. if somebody would ask me, anya, do u want to die right now i think i would say yes. love is just mad confusing. it gets people all fuked up and it interfears with everything and idk what to do about it. i cant just quit guys. for me thats just like impossible. but can i just leave them alone just untill school is done. ya thats gonna happen.

so like untill next time on my never ending journey of life 

                                                                               ANYA

oh and ps if any of u have any comeents feel free to vent :-)